


Meeting the Parents (Or I give Good Parent)

by ProfessionalPenThief



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, lowkey dramatic but not in an angsty way, more like fact have been altered for the sake of the story, not exactly an au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 09:39:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19827454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessionalPenThief/pseuds/ProfessionalPenThief
Summary: Jake's mission, should he choose to accept it is to undo the horrifying first impression he left on Amy's parents over the course of one family dinner. Nothing can go wrong, eh?alternatively: the fake dating au without the actual fake dating.





	Meeting the Parents (Or I give Good Parent)

Jake was lounging by his desk at the 99th precinct, throwing a ball of rubber bands as he read a file. Amy observed him from the door of the breakroom contently, wanting to cherish one more moment of peace before she had to have _the talk_. She sighed as she made her way toward him; there was no escaping it.

"Hey babe," said Amy, kissing him on the cheek. She settled in her chair, observing him. Their desks were pushed up against each other such that they directly faced the other person. Jake looked up, surprised. In the four months that they had been together, she had never kissed him at the precinct... at least, not in front of their colleagues. (What happens in the evidence lockup, stays in the evidence lockup.)

"Hey," he replied, uncertain. "Everything okay?"

"Uh huh," replied Amy, smiling tightly. A brief pause. And then -

"So mum called."

Jake put down the ball and swiveled in his chair to face her properly.

“They’re celebrating her and dad’s marriage anniversary with the entire family,” said Amy.

“Oh. How many years has it been?” asked Jake casually, steering the conversation toward safe waters.

“They also invited you.” Amy saw through his tactic and didn’t bother answering his question, getting directly to the point.

Jake grimaced, expecting as much. Amy leaned forward and reached out for his hand, squeezing it tightly.

“I know you don’t want to…” began Amy.

“They hate me.”

“That’s not tru-” Amy cut herself off as Jake gave her a knowing look.

“Maybe a little,” admitted Amy. “And I know that it’s all my fault. And I’m sorry about that. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

She picked up a case file and made a show of going through it. The message was clear - conversation over. She meant what she said. And even though she secretly hoped that he would offer himself up like a pig for slaughter, she wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t. But as she read the pages of notes in front of her, she couldn’t quite comprehend them. 

“Ames,” said Jake. He ran his hand through his hair and pulled on a clump at the top, ruffling it beyond the realm of neat, or professional. “I do want to meet them. I don’t know if you this Santiago, but I kinda like you.”

Amy grinned at him, blushing a little at the effect he had on her. And with his hair sticking in all directions, he looked weirdly sexy, which didn’t help either.

“I kinda like you too Peralta.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“But seriously though Ames, I want them to like me too. And I don’t think we can undo the damage I did last time without fessing up.”

“No!” Amy’s response was immediate, urgent, and left no room for negotiation. “I’m sorry; I really am but Jake, if my mum and dad find out the truth, they’ll be really upset. And I don’t know… I don’t want them to be mad at me.”

It was classic Santiago, wasn’t it, mused Jake. Always wanting to impress the authority figures in her life. Maybe that’s why he didn’t argue; because he loved the flustered, animated persona, she took on every time she was near Holt. And how giddy she got when she did impress him. Maybe that’s why he gave in.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll come, I’ll meet them and dazzle them with my charming personality and wit, they’ll completely forget about last time, and then we won’t have to bring it up ever again, and there will be no need for any confessions.”

“Thank you,” said Amy. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” And then leaning forward, she kissed him deeply and (given that there were two desks between then) awkwardly.

  
Amy was wearing her favorite pink dress; it had been ruined the last time she had worn it at Charles’ and Gina’s parents’ wedding, and since she’d gotten it back from dry cleaning, she had been looking for an opportunity to wear it.

“We are so late,” muttered Jake as they parked in the restaurant. Amy looked over at her boyfriend. He was wearing a navy blue jumper over a crisp white button down, and he looked so ridiculously attractive that Amy found it easy to put aside her own discomfort at being late.

“Relax, babe. We’re only two minutes late.”

“I shouldn’t have changed at the last minute,” he muttered, not convinced. If Amy was anything to go by, he knew that arriving only one minute early (as opposed to the prescribed 15) was considered late. “I wish you would have told me your father hates plaid.”

“I didn’t say that. I said that plaid looks nice on you.”

“Yeah, Amy, nice. Not great. I mean come on, do you even want your parents to like me?”

Amy pursed her lips, refusing to answer and give in to Jake’s hysteria. She recognized it. She recognized it from her own breakdowns and freakouts. He was simply nervous.

_Oh._

He was nervous. Jake Peralta, who routinely bluffed his way into dangerous cases and once dared to prop his legs on Holt’s desk, the king of confidence, was nervous. Amy’s heart warmed a little, and resisting the urge to remind him that he had been the one to insist on ironing in his shirt even though it would be covered by the jumper (“He will know, Ames. He will know!”), she squeezed his hand.  
  
“They’ll love your outfit,” she said as they walked into the restaurant.

  
Aside from one snide comment regarding their delay (for which Amy promptly took the blame), her parents were civil towards Jake, albeit a bit aloof. Amy and Jake sat next to Mrs. and Mrs. Santiago, Amy separating them from Jake. On Jake’s other side was Tony and his wife, Mia. Luca was next to Mia and Adrian beside him. Adrian’s boyfriend Oliver was practically on his lap; they were that close. And then, at last, David was next to Mrs. Santiago, closing the circle. Even with only half the family present, Jake felt that their table was bursting.

David was the only other Santiago apart from Amy who had followed their father’s footsteps into police work. He also remained Amy’s greatest competition. As the entrees were served, he took charge of the conversation.

“Got assigned to an exciting case today,” said David. “A break-in… but only by a technicality.”

The table was immediately rapt with attention, curious to know what he meant. Detective or not, Santiagos famously loved a good puzzle. Even Jake leaned forward, all nerves and the associated rambling forgotten.

David, pleased at the attention, continued. “The victim is a 74-year-old man. Someone broke into his house, and rearranged all the furniture.”

“And nothing was stolen?” prompted Mr. Santiago.

“Not a single thing, as far we can tell. I mean, Mr. Chadwick, the victim, is elderly but he doesn’t have any memory loss problems.”

“Maybe the thieves were looking for something,” mused Adrian. He was the brother number two and fourth on the Santiago wall of approval - Jake had done his homework.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said David. “They rearranged the furniture,” he added as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Amy and Adrian shared eye rolls at David’s expense. “It would mean spending more time in the house, increasing the risk of getting caught,” she explained.

“Like I said,” said David. “ So, anyway, now we are dealing with a mysterious, inexplicable thief who rearranges people’s furniture.”

“Chaotic neutral,” said Luca, the youngest of the Santiago siblings, snickering. Mr. Santiago immediately chastised Luca, asking him to speak in complete sentences.

“Have you considered,” began Jake. “… maybe the thieves left something behind, instead of taking it.”

“Have you solved many cases lately, Jake?” asked Mr. Santiago. Amy saw past her father’s polite tone and felt her ears turn red with anger.

“Actually dad, yes. He recently pulled off a massive cocaine bust. Recovered well over 20 Kilos,” said Amy.

“And I suppose you enjoy taking the glory for that, don’t you, Peralta,” said Mr. Santiago.

Before Amy or Jake could reply, Tony, the eldest of Amy's brothers and consequentially, the most powerful, spoke up. “That’s actually a good idea.”

Amy leaned back in her chair, smug as David scowled and nodded. “I’ll check with Mr. Chadwick to confirm if anything has been left behind by the perps.”

“Thank you, Jake,” said Tony.

Amy smiled at Tony, grateful for the support. Tony’s jaw clenched and gave her a tight nod, a suspicious look directed at Jake, who wasn’t paying attention. Jake looked down, Mr. Santiago’s words still ringing in his ears.

_And I suppose you enjoy taking the glory._

He squeezed his eyes shut, his mind wandering to another dinner, just like this one.

They were in Amy’s apartment, sitting at her dining table. Jake remembered thinking only Santiago would insist on a dining table in the middle of Brooklyn, instead of eating at the couch like everyone else. Then again, she hosted dinner parties, like an adult.

He wasn’t what people called an adult. And for good reason. His personality aside, he was wearing a neon orange Hawaiian print button-down shirt paired with camouflage shorts. Both of Amy’s parents and Amy herself was dressed up, and he stood out like a sore thumb in comparison to them. _It was perfect._

“So, Jake, you are a police officer too,” said Mrs. Santiago.

“For sure, Mrs. S. I’m all about the cop life,” he replied.

“Really.”

“Yeah, like, nothing is cooler than hanging with civilians like yourself and being able to tell them the stories of my heroism,” he said. And then, with a deliberate wink in Mr. Santiago’s direction, he added, “And nothing impresses the ladies more, you know.”

Mr. Santiago felt the anger rising in him. “And is that why you do what you do? For the glory and the ladies.”

Jake nodded, grinning unabashedly. “And don’t forget the stories. I am a cop, but in my heart, I’m a storyteller.”

Jake was startled out of his reverie when Amy nudged him with her leg under the table.

“You okay?” she mouthed in his direction. Jake nodded and turned back to the table. He was determined to engage with her family and earn their good impression. He felt Mrs. Santiago staring at him, but he resisted the urge to look at her. She’s probably disgusted with me, he thought.

The conversation had moved on and then reached a polite pause as the waiter came around with their food. The next few minutes passed by in the scraping of knives and forks as everyone dug into their dishes. When the conversation picked up, it was by Tony’s wife, Mia.

“Have any of you seen the new Star Wars movies?” she asked. Instantly, there was a flurry of conversations as everyone chimed in with their opinions.

“What is a star war? I think, as a culture, we are far too obsessed with violence. All these movies about wars --”

“Shut up, David,” interrupted Adrian. “We all saw Star Wars growing up. It was a classic.”

“Even I know about it,” said Luca.

“Did you watch it growing up, Jake?” asked Oliver attempting to include him in the conversation.

“I… uh, yeah sure,” he answered.

“Are you sure?” asked David.

“Well, he grew up on Die Hard more than Star Wars, but he’s seen them. Right, Jake?” answered Amy.

“Yippee-ki-yay, mother… I’m sorry. I love Die Hard,” exclaimed Jake, his face lit up. For the first time throughout the night, he felt in his element. His enthusiasm evident on his face, and Oliver couldn’t help but grin at him in response.

“They were decent enough. I never did make it through the second one, personally,” chimed in Mia. Jake scowled mentally. ‘Decent enough? No one called the single greatest movie of all time decent enough’.

“Are you kidding me?” said Amy, betraying just as much emotion as he was struggling to hide. “William Atherton was the best Die Hard villain.”

“After Gruber, obviously,” added Jake.

“Obviously.” Amy nodded.

“ _Obviously_ , huh?” mocked Adrian, smirking at Amy. She squinted at him. He didn’t say anything for a moment, dangling the bait, teasing the table before continuing. “As I recall, you refused to watch to them when we were kids.”

Jake spun in his chair so quickly that he nearly got whiplash. “You what?”

“Shut up, Adrian,” said Amy, her eyes turning wide. She wore a look that said ‘I will murder you and as a police officer, I know how to get away with it.’ Adrian offered a shit eating grin in response.

“Come on now kids,” jumped in Mrs. Santiago, attempting to diffuse the situation. Her attempts were thoroughly undercut by the amusement in her tone and the soft, warm smile that lingered over her lips. Jake recognized it as a smile Amy wore, sometimes when she was looking at him when she thought he wasn’t looking. His heart swelled up a little at the thought.

“Oh, I remember this,” jumped in Tony. “David and Amy were the absolute worst as kids. Goody two shoes, always fighting for mum and dad’s approval.”

Amy huffed at this, crossing her arms and scowling as Jake leaned forward, eager to catch every bit of the story.

“Ridiculous attempt, since we all know mum and dad always preferred me the best,” said Adrian. David rolled his eyes at this.

“That’s not true.”

“Still competing, are we?”

Before David could retort, Tony spoke over him, loudly continuing with his story. “Anyway. Dad always thought Die Hard was a misrepresentation of cops and the police bravado; vehemently hated the film --”

“Still do,” cut in Mr. Santiago.

“And when we were all sneaking to the theatres to watch it --”

“You weren’t that sneaky; your dad and I always knew,” interrupted Mrs. Santiago.

“Let me finish a story, for Christ's sake,” exclaimed Tony. “As I was saying, Amy and David refused to watch Die Hard.”

“Nerds,” added Adrian.

“I was literally seven years old,” said Amy. “And once I grew up, I realized that everything dad says isn’t gospel truth and then I started dating this one.” She pointed at Jake with her thumb. “You showed me all the Die Hard films… on our fifth date?”

Jake nodded. “That’s how you know I was, still am, serious about you.”

“Die Hard’s your dealbreaker?” asked Luca. “Sick,” he said when Jake nodded in reply.

“How did you two get together anyway?”

“Santiago asked me out,” replied Jake with a bright grin. “We were playing the Jimmy Jab games --”

“Every time our captain is out for the day, and there’s a lull at the precinct, we play these games to kill time,” explained Amy.

“Amy had never won a game before that.”

“And Jake bet I never would.”

“Which was a mistake, obviously. I should have known better than to bet against Amy Santiago.”

Amy smirked at him. The smug look on her face dropped as she took in the expressions around her. Her family glanced among themselves and a confused hush enveloped the table.

“Oh you all think I can’t win a work game, is that it?”

“Actually, we’re surprised that you even partook in said games,” replied Tony.

“Yeah, Amy; sounds extremely unprofessional. Bo and I would never behave in the precinct like that, or how would anyone ever take us seriously. Right, dad?” said David.

“Oh come on David; lighten up a little,” retorted Amy. Adrian snickered loudly at this comment but immediately sobered up at Amy’s glare.

“Anyway,” said Jake, stretching out the last syllable. “We had been flirting all day. And Amy won the games and the bet. She could ask me for one thing, and I wasn’t allowed to say no. She asked me out, and of course bet or no bet, I was more than happy to oblige.” He smiled around the table, and then as an afterthought, added, “Maybe betting against her wasn’t a mistake at all.”

Amy beamed, positive her face would fall right off given the width of her smile. Unable to help herself, she closed the gap between them and kissed him lightly.

“I thought you said Jake kept pestering you till you gave in,” said Mrs. Santiago, her forehead creased with lines. Jake and Amy exchanged quick, frantic looks before Amy nodded. “Right. That’s what we said.”

“So which one was it?” asked Luca.

“A bit of both,” answered Jake. “I was… uhh pestering her and the jimmy jab games happened, and that was when she gave in. And I… yeah.” He picked up his glass of wine, desperate for something to do with his hands.

“What is this? An interrogation?” asked Amy at the same time.

“An intervention, perhaps,” answered Mrs. Santiago. “You’re lying to us.”

Jake’s hand slipped, spilling wine down his jumper and onto his lap. He got up frantically; effectively putting an end to the conversation. “Fuck.” And then with an alarmed glance at Amy’s parents, “Sorry. I meant shit, I mean… sorry.”

He dabbed at this clothes with the tablecloth, staining it as well and then finally excused himself, heading towards the bathrooms. There was a brief awkward silence, broken by Tony.

“Guess he is a clumsy one, huh. Maybe I should ask him to join the club.”

“Oh, you are nothing like him, baby,” said Mrs. Santiago, her expression full of adoration for Tony. Amy rolled her eyes.

“Please, don’t stop on my account.”

“I thought you had broken up with him,” said David.

Amy flushed a little and then shrugged.

“He isn’t good for you, Ames,” said Mr. Santiago.

“Not this again.”

“He’s a bad influence,” he said, with unwavering conviction.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, dad,” exclaimed Amy, dropping her napkin onto the plate.

“Why don’t we talk about something else?” said Luca, immediately clearing his throat. “Like literally anything else.”

“Yeah, oh, Ralph had his first play date the other day,” said Tony, jumping at the opportunity to talk about his son.

“I’m going to check on him,” said Amy, rolling her eyes and heading towards the bathrooms.

She had looked nervous when she had asked him; a single stray braid in her hair. He had laughed out loud, unable to help himself. The situation was stupidly funny.

“Shut up.” She immediately chastised him, and his laughter reduced to a chuckle, but the stupid grin never disappeared from his face. “Will you do it or not?”

“Sure; anything for you,” he replied. He didn’t know it at the time, didn’t recognize the feeling for what it was. All he knew was that she had come to him for help. And that it made his heart beat a little faster and that he was unable to say no to her.

“Are you sure you can manage it?”

“Santiago, how much did you hate me? When we first met.”

She began to protest almost immediately, but he shook her head and shut her down.

“Don’t deny it. You hated me. And your parents are going to hate me even more.”

She groaned softly, her head dropping into her cupped palms. She was blushing; she knew he had a point. “I know,” she said, dragging the last syllable. Santiago hardly ever butchered pronunciation like that. “That’s why I came to you; you’re perfect.”

“Title of my sex tape,” he said, grinning. She smacked the side of his arm and then offered to buy him candy. Truly a woman after his heart.

“Okay, so the weekend after next. What’s your plan?” asked Amy. He tilted his head, a knowing look on his face.

“We both know you have it all planned out; you tell me.”

“Right. Show up late. Like 20 minutes late.”

“What if I stood you up?”

“No! You have to be there. They have to know you’re real.”

“They really don’t believe you?”

“Show up late. Pick out your favorite outfit; they’re guaranteed to hate it.”

“I’m offended.”

She gave him a knowing look, and he shrugged, not looking particularly offended.

“Alright. What’s our story? How did we get together?”

“You pestered me into saying yes.”

He had drawn the line at that. Pretending to be her fake boyfriend to prove to her parents that she had one, and then making them hate him so when she broke up with him, they wouldn’t mind it - that was fine. But being a creep, that’s where he drew the line. She ended up agreeing to a month of his paperwork when he finally did give in.

Amy pushed into the men’s room, hesitating only briefly. Sure, it was the men’s; but Jake was also in there, and he needed her. The decision practically made itself. Luckily for her, no one was in there. One of the stall doors was closed. She knocked and recognized his muffled voice. “Occupied!”

“Jake?”

The door opened immediately. “What are you doing here? It’s the men’s room.”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. This stain refuses to budge.”

“Wine stains are permanent.”

“Well, then.” He shrugged. “Another one for the tie-dye pile.”

“Who tie-dies jumpers? And why do you have an entire pile.”

“Come on, Santiago, support your local artists,” he said with a smirk. She smiled, attempting to roll her eyes but failing to look annoyed.

“Does he accept non-monetary support?”

Jake bit his lip. “Only from select clientele.”

“Ah! I see,” replied Amy. Jake gulped, trying to ignore the rush that went through his body. Fuck. Not here, not now. He cast his mind around, looking to change the topic.

“I bet your parents think we’re boning in here, like perverts.” So much for changing the topic. He trudged on. “Although, if they are thinking about their daughter boning, then I guess they are the real creeps.” She laughed despite herself. He always did manage to make her laugh, no matter the situation.

She reached out to kiss him, threading her fingers through his hair. He groaned softly, leaning into the kiss.

“We should get back there,” she muttered against his lips. He hummed under his breath, not breaking away. His hands snaked across her back, pulling her closer.

“Just a little longer,” he answered.

“Title of your sex tape,” she retorted. He broke off the kiss, pulling away as the laughter bubbled out of him.

“I love you.”

The words escaped him, prying open his lips and bursting out into existence even before he could process what he said. He was just as surprised as she was; eyes widening in realization. Before she could say anything, he cleared his throat.

“We should go.” He didn’t wait for her answer as he pushed the door open, tugging at his jumper as he did.

  
When they got back to the table, he offered the most charming smile he could muster, ignoring Amy’s gaze boring into his side.

“The jumper’s permanently stained,” he said, explaining his new appearance.

“Did you iron the button up underneath your jumper?” asked David.

“Of course. What am I, a heathen?” replied Jake. And just like that, the atmosphere lightened, and Jake settled into the group.

Their plates were cleared up, dessert ordered, and while they awaited dessert, David raised his margarita. “A toast,” he said, “To mom and dad, for 45 years of marriage.” And one by one, they went around the room, making their toasts and offering their congratulations.

Jake panicked, as he realized it would be his turn soon. Keep it simple. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Keep it - Fuck. As Tony wrapped up and the table turned to him, he cleared his throat and picked up his empty glass.

“Guess I can’t spill any if there isn’t any,” he said with a chuckle. “Uhh, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Santiago. I think it’s cool that after all this time, you are still in love.” And there it was, that word again. It was just four simple letters, but it held so much weight, meaning, so many different definitions.

“... Because,” he continued, leaning into it. “I think love is cool. I mean, my mom and dad, their marriage was awful. You know, he left when I was 10, and that was after two years of screwing around. And uhh -- that’s too much information. You guys don’t wanna know that. I guess what I am saying is that my dad was a pretty selfish person. And he didn’t love us. Because love is the opposite of that. It doesn’t make you selfless, exactly. You don’t turn into a saint overnight, but it makes you better. Or so I’ve discovered. You do things you never thought you would, like watch stupid movies or make an ass of yourself, or read Harry Potter. Little things. And I think that’s cool. So, yeah. Cool cool cool cool cool. Amy?”

He turned to Amy, indicating that he was done. She smiled softly; her heart felt a little too big for her chest.

“I have to say something.”

“That’s how this works,” replied David, rolling his eyes.

“Right. Jake’s right. When you love someone, you do things for them. And…” She glanced at him, maintaining eye contact. “... I love Jake. I love you.” He looked surprised and then grinned at her. She allowed herself one more moment to take his face in and then turned back to the group.

“And so, I have to tell you something. Mom, you were right. I was lying. But not right now; earlier. Months ago. When you guys met Jake, that wasn’t the real Jake. I mean, it was him. I didn’t hire a clone, although that would be toit. But no, I mean that Jake is kind and funny and charming. He is respectful; he would never bug someone into going out with him. He is… he is a really good friend. And as a friend, he agreed to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

“What are you saying?”

“You thought that I would make for a horrible partner. So I asked Jake to be my fake boyfriend and make a bad impression on you so you would hate him. And then when I would fake break up with him, you would know it wasn’t my fault.”

“I never said that!”

“You implied it. You said that I was high maintenance.”

“Amy, love, I meant that it would require someone special to be worthy of you.”

“Oh.”

“And it’s Jake, is it?” chimed in Tony. Jake blushed at this, his face a bright deep red. Amy nodded, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind.

“We didn’t get together till much after. The part about Jimmy Jabs is true. I played those games, and won, and asked him out. Oh, I feel like an idiot,” moaned Amy, dropping her head in her hands.

Jake automatically rubbed her back, his hand moving in circles to console her. She looked up after a moment.

“Anyway….” She continued. “That embarrassing revelation aside, congrats, mom and dad. I’m so happy for you, and I’m so sorry that I lied.”

A hearty chuckle ran through the table as everyone raised their drinks and clinked. Jake slipped his hand into hers as they did. Everyone burst into questions, talking and teasing and laughing; even her parents softened towards him. Mr. Santiago proposed another dinner - a do-over. David had an update on the case; Jake’s lead had undoubtedly helped. Luca talked about a software he was developing. The server eventually brought the dessert out and through it all, their hands remained intertwined, never letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me about these idiots


End file.
